January 27 is the birthday of Germany’s last legitimate ruler and my reporting senior, Kaiser Wilhelm II. As usual, I placed a telephone call to him to offer my congratulations. I am never quite sure where I am going to find the Reisekaiser; this year I reached him at Wilhelmshafen, the main base of the High Seas Fleet.
After offering my best wishes for his birthday, I asked, “What brings you to Wilhelmshafen this time?”
“Well, I do like the town’s name,” he replied. “Now that I think of it, I should order that the main seaport in all of Germany’s colonies be named Wilhelmshafen. I’ll instruct my ambassadors to suggest to other colonial powers that they do the same. I’m sure they will be delighted at the idea.”
“No doubt,” I replied. “We in the American republic now have a president who likes to put his name on things. Do you see any other similarities between him and your Imperial self?”
“Quite a few, actually,” replied the Kaiser. “I made Germany great, and he will make America great again, so long as he follows one rule: don’t go to war.”
“But I haven’t answered your question,” His Majesty continued. “I’m here for the simultaneous commissioning of twenty ships!”
“If they are battleships and battle cruisers, I hope there are some Mackensens among them,” I ventured.
“Not a one,” the Kaiser said. “They are all transports.”
“Why does his majesty find transports of interest, if I may be so bold?” I inquired.
“Because they will be used in the greatest amphibious operation of all time,” the Kaiser said.
“The enterprise of England?” I asked.
“No, although Philip II still wants to give that another go,” His Majesty replied. “These ships, and others like them building in all the shipyards of Europe, will carry out Operation Charles Martel: the expulsion of all the Moslems from Europe! The commander will be none other than Don Juan de Austria, the victor of Lepanto, come to save Christendom from the Turk a second time.”
“Just how will this work?” I asked.
“Mit Eisen und Blut!” replied the Kaiser. “We will round them up, put them on transports and, in a single wave, land them somewhere on the coast of North Africa. The High Seas Fleet and the Grand Fleet will jointly provide gunfire support, if it’s needed. The Mackensens you love will chime in, have no fear!”
“But how is sad, beaten down, gutless Europe ever going to bring itself to do something like this?” I asked plaintively.
“Have you been sleeping at your telegraph key?” the Kaiser replied. “The tide has turned. The filthy Jacobinism that has ruled Europe since 1918 is on the run. President Trump’s election has given Europeans who still believe in Faith and Fatherland hope. Marine le Pen, France’s new Joan of Arc, will be its next president. All over Europe, people are remembering who they are. There is joy in heaven, let me tell you. Christendom’s armies are on the march again!”
“I cannot help but wonder if Your Majesty is caught in a bit of a contradiction here,” I said hesitantly. “When you were on the German throne, you allied with the Ottoman Empire. You visited Moslem countries and were quite friendly to Islam.”
“You are correct,” His Majesty answered. “But I was friendly to Islam in Islam’s portion of the globe. I would show the same friendship if I were in charge of Berlin today. But I would not be an idiot like Merkel and invite them to take over Germany and Europe.”
“You are, I take it, no admirer of the current chancellor?” I suggested.
“No woman has done more to prove I was right when I said women are for children, the kitchen, and the church. She has inflicted on Germany more damage than any chancellor since Adolf Hitler, flooding the Fatherland with a million Arabs, most of them Islamics. Germany was a safe and well ordered country. Now, all Germans have to be afraid on their own streets. Were I still Kaiser, I’d sell her to the Grand Vizier’s harem.”
“I think Your Majesty is right: the tide has turned. Might it turn so strongly that Germany again has a monarch, and your mortal remains can be returned home from the Netherlands?” I asked.
“I will answer your question with another question: did not even the dumbest Hohenzollern give Germany better government than the CDU and SPD provide now? And with that I must be off to the General Staff’s railway mobilization planning office. We will soon be moving a million people to Germany’s ports, and the trains must run on time.”